Despite my laid back outlook and general happiness day to day I'm starting to see a bigger picture, and it's beginning to depress me.  I have gotten into the habit of not looking beyond today simply because when I think of tomorrow and beyond it depresses me.  It seems like happiness is only in the moment right now, I can't be bothered to worry myself about things that haven't happened yet.  But living like this makes me lack all goals.  My only true goals at the moment are to make sure I don't starve, I keep the internet, and I make my wife happy.  That is ok and all, but when viewing the bigger picture it's kinda depressing.

Like many of my generation, I graduated college and had nowhere to go and no way to be hired in this shitty economy.  This means that the loan company my parents signed me up for are getting really pissed.  I've told them countless times that I can't make something from nothing.  Couple that with the fact my school basically swindled me (I won't go into detail, just know I have a graphic design degree but have to pay back enough to pay for three PHDs)  I had a job, was laid off, and now I think I've gotten about 6 interviews in the past 2 years.  None of them wanted to hire me, they just felt bad that I tried so hard and got nothing so they gave me an interview out of pity and formality.

None of that stuff really matters to me, I ****ing hate "work."  Not working, I enjoy working, but I hate "work."  Stuff you do just because you want to own more stuff.  About the only true incentive I have to get "work" is to eat and keep the internet.  While I'm content with this it still sounds incredibly depressing.  Thus destroying most of my motivation.  But I still try, I just won't be excited about it.  Not like it matters anyway, nobody wants to hire a nobody.  I literally know no one in this town (or any other) so I have to make myself look 1,000 times better than the idiots that get jobs in my stead.  I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen who the companies chose before me that knows absolutely nothing about what they're doing whereas I would have completely mastered these menial tasks within minutes.  These people get their jobs because they know the other employees and can kiss ass better than I can.  I'm not a very good ass-kisser.  If I don't like you I'll tell you, boss or not.  I find that this is showing more respect to them than kissing their ass and praising them when you don't agree.
/jobrant

I can feel this attitude affecting my artwork too.  I haven't submitted much in the past two years because I just don't feel like I have much energy to spare.  This sounds absolutely insane since I'm not employed and (like Will Smith declared several decades ago) my parents just don't understand.  Finding a job is much more tiring than actually working at one right now.  However, nothing can stop me from creating.  I just keep doing it.  It's one of those things that defines who I am.  Even if the things I make are complete shit, I can't stop doing it.  That's why I know this is what I'm here to do.  Even if I am at my worst, it's the thing that I will never quit doing.  One of my teachers put it best, art for the sake of art.  This part of the reason why I have a beef with Andy Warhol, but that's another rant.

What I want right now is an outside source.  I find that I work best when being told what to work on.  But I don't know anyone.  Really, I know no one aside from my best friend and my wife, and those two aren't exactly the type who feel like telling me what to do.  I want to learn more about my artistic abilities, explore more styles and ways of drawing, and get better at what I'm doing right now.  I feel like my skill as an artist hasn't improved in 5 years.  Looking back at my work from high school (when I made this account ) I see things that I think today I could never do again.  I want someone to teach me, there isn't much more I can teach myself at this point.  So if any of you that still have my account in their watch list and read this I would give you many hugs if you can help me out.  I want some sort of small artistic set of friends where we can share our work and work together on other things.  I figured DeviantArt would be a good start to finding such a group but like I've mentioned before I know NO ONE, not even on here, so getting into a clique like that is going to be difficult.  I want to be better than I am, like everyone else wants, and I haven't seen progress in anything since I graduated from college.